gue bangga sama lo

“lo gak takut sama gue?” begitu kata seorang sahabat ketika dia –akhirnya- bercerita tentang sebagian dari kisahnya. “gak semua orang lho bisa nerima product reject kaya gue”. Tambahnya lagi.

Terus terang ketika gue dulu pertama kali dengar kisahnya, yang pertama kali gue rasakan adalah sedih, membayangkan betapa lamanya dia harus bertahan dengan rahasianya itu dan berbohong kepada kebanyakan orang. Termasuk gue. Pengen rasanya saat itu teriak, “kenapa lo gak cerita ama gue dari dulu?” “why cant you accept me as your friend and share your burden with me?” Sampai sekarang, gue masih suka bertanya-tanya tentang itu. Mungkin gue bisa menebak-nebak satu atau dua alasannya, tapi I just know that the whole story would remain silent. Perhaps.

Kebanyakan orang memang akan memandang sinis dengan cerita sahabat gue itu. Gak mau munafik, mungkin jika kita ketemu waktu gue masih sma misalnya, gue juga kayanya bakal menghindar. Tapi hari gini? Masih maen diskriminasi-diskriminasian? Gile kali yeee… Lagyan, menurut salah satu ajaran yang gue pelajari dari dia, semakin lo menghindar, semakin lo akan kena dan kena lagi dengan masalah yang sama. So, lets face it!

Ketika dia bertanya seperti itu, gue hanya menjawab simple doang, “nggak lah, kenapa musti takut?” padahal yang pengen gue jawab itu lebih dari sekedar gtu doang. Emang dasar nih gue sedari kuliah udah terbiasa untuk mencela dan gak biasa buat memuji or say something serious. Jadi gue jawab dari sini aja kali ye biar lebih jelas dan clear.

Gue gak takut sama lo. Gue malah bersyukur sekali bisa ketemu sama lo dan belajar banyak dari lo. Sebanyak2nya (Pasti lo tau banget gue nulis ini sambil kelilipan). Gak semua orang bisa sekuat lo dan bisa survive in an amazing ways and had a remarkable achievements though you suffer a lot at those days, maybe still until now. Buat gue, gak pernah ada istilah product reject buat orang dengan kisah seperti lo. Kalo temen lo bilang itu adalah karunia, gue setuju, tapi istilah gue, itu adalah keunikan lo yang bisa membuat hidup lo jadi lebih seru (kan gue suka gak mo kalah sama temen-temen lo yang laen).

Pesen gue, go for something that make you feel an everlasting comfortable. Apapun pilihan lo, yang gue takutin cuma satu, kalo lo berhenti jujur dan berhenti cerita-cerita sama gue. It’s a great honor for me to be your friend. Hope I could be one of your greatest friends. Btw, lo kan suka bloon ye kalo gue pake bahasa inggris. Ni translationnya: Gue bangga jadi temen lo! (tetep kudu nyela!)

a tired smile

People said that if something doesn’t make me happy then I should just walk away from them. I do apply the proverbs in most of my activities but I don’t think that I have the option of not working. No matter horrible the job is.

Been moved to a new place, my second site of work. The name looks very promising. I bet that all people would know exactly what it is without many efforts to describe them (totally the contradiction of my first one). Also, most people (in certain age, though) would look very high of my line of work. Lastly, I also love the job.

However, still, things don’t always run smoothly. This working place of mine doesn’t even have post its, bad quality of PCs (while we forced to work in hurry where even a great PC sometime still making us stressful), the booths are very packed and got no private space, low salary, no insurance, killing working hours, undebatable bosses (they said that you have to make lots kiss ass), tiring (you should walk between office-studio-editing place on a hot sunny days or middle night like hundreds a day), and lots more.

But, kill me, but seeing smiles from my buddies when I could get them free CD or T shirt with a possibility to complete them with autograph from famous celebrities, or to have their shows aired, or to have premiere tickets to the cinema, or just simply to watch my shows which I damnly involved on every second of it, could erase all the hatred and make me smile, a tired smile.

suatu malam di tempat ngedit..

I dont know what to write. It's just a while since I wrote my last posting since the system in my new office dont really support my blogging activity.

Ah, lagi gak mood nulis. Pengen curhat temen curhat gue lagi ilang sinyal.

Bali dibom lagi!

Malem minggu kemarin gue dapet kabar, kalo Bali dibom lagi. Lagi gitu loh! I thought there would never be such things as two same disasters in the same location with not so long time duration. But however, they did it again! Those silly people God knows who they are.

Banyak banget issue yang beredar tentang alesan kenapa Bali musti dibom lagi. Ada yg bilang sebagai distractor untuk masalah BBM, ada yg mengait2kannya dengan kejadian bom yg lalu-lalu disini dan disana, dan berbagai spekulasi lainnya. Tapi yang jelas, apapun alesannya itu, miris banget rasanya hati ini ngeliatin liputan2 tentang kejadian itu di tipi. Mana tempat kerja gue sekarang penuh tipi dimana2 yang membuat gue emang gak bisa ngehindarin untuk meliat gambar2 itu.

Bukan zoom yang mengacu kesosok seorang pemuda yang diduga pelaku bom yang bikin gue miris. Bukan juga berbagai cerita dari orang-orang yang terhindar dari bom. Apalagi spekulasi-spekulasi tentang siapa pelakunya dan apa yang melandasi kejadian ini semua. Itu bukan urusan gue!

Semua stasiun tv nyiarin berita pasti berikut dengan airmata. Keluarga yang ditinggalkan, yang punya toko, korban yang kesakitan, warga sekitar yang panik, dan beberapa golongan lainnya. Tapi masih jauh lebih banyak lagi airmata yang luput disiarkan oleh mereka.

Masih ada yang begitu mencintai negara kita ini dan kejadian ini malah membuat trauma tersendiri. Rasa tidak aman, rasa tidak pasti, rasa kecewa sampe musti menghindari berita di koran dan di radio membuat airmata itu keluar juga. Kehilangan harapan akan negara tempat kita berpijak ini adalah sesuatu yang sangat menyakitkan dan kadang bisa mengakibatkan penyelesaian yang tidak menyenangkan disalah satu pihak, yaitu dengan mencari harapan baru ditempat yang jauh.

Ketika seorang sahabat menceritakan keinginannya itu, gue sebenernya bisa berkata, ‘hey, di tempat yang baru pun belum tentu lo akan menemukan apa yang lo mau’, atau alesan cetek yang sempet juga gue keluarin ‘entar disana lo gak bisa makan pepes lagi’ demi keegoisan gue untuk mempertahankan keberadaannya di negara ini supaya gue tetep bisa berbagi cerita dan bergaol bersama sampe nenek-nenek seperti kisah persahabatan sejati yang sering muncul di tipi atau di buku2 semacam chicken soup for the soul. Yet, something snapped me back to reality that those are just some minor lucky people whose country doesn’t get bombed.

Entah berapa orang yang secara tidak langsung terkena imbas bom Bali kaya gue gini dengan berbagai kasus sampingan yang beraneka ragam, namun kekesalan kita gak diliput tipi karna tidak komersil tentunya. Jadi untuk mewakili mereka, jika biasanya gue mengakhiri tulisan gue dengan beberapa closing words yang cukup bijak bestari, this time, gue hanya ingin berteriak ‘GUE BENCI SEKALI DALANG BOM BALI!!!!’, I know that I’m not allowed and not used to swear, but I just want to say, may them rotten in the deepest crack of hell.

I HATE FAREWELL!!!!!

I HATE FAREWELL!!!!!
I HATE FAREWELL!!!!!
I HATE FAREWELL!!!!!

Growing Joys

Lagi inget salah satu sitkom jadul yg judulnya ‘Growing Pains’. Ceritanya tentang satu keluarga yang selalu hepi-hepi joy-joy. Udah lama banget tuh filmnya, jaman gue SD dan jaman Leonardo di Caprio masih jadi newcomer.

Its one of a great movie. Sesuai dengan judulnya, di film itu diceritain suka duka pertumbuhan anak2nya yang ada 4 deh kalo gak salah, sama suka duka emak bapaknya yang repot ngurusin mereka.

Gak ada yang gampang dalam proses perjalanan pertambahan umur. Makanya kali kenapa frasenya itu judulnya ‘Growing Pains’, bukan ‘Growing Joys’. Banyak kasus yang kejadian sama tu anak2, dan masalahnya bisa beda2 banget tergantung sama karakteristik anak2nya. Leo di sitkom itu jadi homeless kid temennya si Mike (Kirk Cameron) yang kemudian eventually diangkat anak sama keluarga itu. Untung Leo (gue lupa namanya di film itu sapa) ketemu Mike, jadi hidupnya ketolong banget bahkan Leo jadi punya keluarga baru yg sayang sama dia. Jadinya proses ‘growing’nya si Leo wont be too painful cause he knows that there’s people who care.

Emang kayanya obat yg paling manjur buat nemenin proses pertumbuhan kalo diumur2 segini bukan lagi susu kaleng yg mengandung AA dan DHA. Hehe. Tapi dukungan dari orang-orang yang sayang sama lo dan lo sayang balik bisa memegang peranan yang sangat penting.

Sama ama morphine, rasa sayang itu nyandu juga, dan bisa destructive kalo pemakaiannya gak sesuai dengan kondisi tubuh pengguna. Tapi, sama ama morphine juga, rasa sayang itu perlu untuk meredam rasa sakit, ngebuat kita hepi2 joy2 selalu dan juga jadi temen yang setia untuk ngebuat proses ‘Growing Pains’ jadi ‘Growing Joys’, as long as we got each other. Sama ama soundtracknya.

Show me that smile again. (Show me that smile)
Don’t waste another minute on your cryin’.
We're nowhere near the end (nowhere near)
The best is ready to begin.

Oooohhh. As long as we got each other
We got the world spinnin right in our hands.
Baby you and me, we gotta be
The luckiest dreamers who never quit dreamin’.

As long as we keep on givin’
we can take anything that comes our way
Baby, rain or shine, all the time
We got each other Sharin’ the laughter and love.

never ever tell a lie to a friend

It will be all perfect if our life is always so smooth sailing (taken from friendster :p) from time to time. It will be all nice if we have nothing to hide, no secrets, no mistakes and no flaws. But I consider it to be an incomplete package of life.

Along our life, there are things that we prefer to hide, such as the troubles with our families, friends, couples, or other things like committed to crime or many others. They would create barriers that protect us from other people, especially on those who start to care for our secret. Though this barrier is invisible, it is so powerful to determine our future relationship with the other.

The reactions would be varied for those whose being approached, some stick with their lies, some deny it all the time, some choose to run away, and also there are some people –I don’t know whether they are smart, tricky or simply just possess some mental illness- who choose to be mad and put the fault in the person whose being concern. However, some also choose to tell the truth.

It is one of our quests in life to find someone that we can trust to share our secret with. A relief feeling after sharing stories has an amazing effect in your heart, though. This person who has the privilege of sharing secret doesn’t necessary have to be our couple. A friend even said to me, ‘You could tell lie to your spouse but never ever tell a lie to your friend’. Or on several cases it could be our Mom. There are no exact measurements on how certain person could understand us.

Just let our feeling to talk.

(thanks for all your stories)

yesterday and today

1. Woke up late and find my bathroom is so dirty and I really need to clean it up
2. I didn’t get the ticket for my vacation to Bali this weekend
3. My booth friend is planning to resign
4. My dearest buddy gotta stay longer in another city while I got so much things to talk
5. I got call from my boss during my lunch time out of the office and she protested on my absence of a meeting that I didn’t even know it exist
6. I gotta walk at such distance on the most hot temperature of the day
7. Suddenly my boss make a statement to forbid lunch out of the office except on Friday
8. I realized that I`m just a sitting duck in a project
9. A friend disappointed at me and said that I accused her having an affair, while I have already put so much concern on her
10. The book seller in the mailing list said that the price of the book that I had order is increased
11. I`m running out of coffee
12. When you just wanna be alone to write this list, everybody came to ask for anything
13. When you want to post this writing, the internet is just breaking down
14. When I feel relieved on the next day, I just know that this misery hasn’t end yet.

(Really hate how other people problems have strong deterrent effects to your own friendship)

It’s your time, buddy!

What hurt the most is when you know you care for someone and at the same time you know that you are in the right position to hurt that someone, moreover its because you doesn’t know which of your deed that could be the reason of hurt.

What confusing the most is that when two people care for each other and too be careful of the friendship therefore they didn’t say some words because too afraid it will hurt the other.

The most dilemmatic is when you always want to be a friend to talk to and to care for and vice versa, because there is no way to deny that its needed. But in the other hand you’re afraid that it may lead into different expectations beyond your capacity that could lead to unhappiness.

On top of all, the most difficult thing is how to say this in precise and accurate words?

[ There is no way that we could change the past and regretting what we have already done and gone through. But as long as we have the time to create a new beginning, let’s make it right and cheery.

Everybody already speak their language, ask their questions, and request their needs. Now its time for you, buddy. It’s your only life. Do what you want to do, and stop hurting yourself just to please everybody. It might hurt you even more. ]

merasa bahagia

Permintaan utama gue kalo lagi berdoa adalah minta yang terbaik. Dilancarkan semua yang terbaik buat gue dan dimudahkan jalannya supaya yang terbaik itu cepet nyampe depan mata gue.

Tapi ternyata minta yang terbaik bukan hal yang paling gampang untuk disebutkan. Seringnya yang pengen keluar adalah minta apa yang kita mau dan apa yang lagi dipengenin. Seringnya yang pengen didoain adalah hal-hal memaksa supaya semuanya as good as a fairy tale. Akhirnya keluarlah satu doa sempurna, yaitu berharap apa yang kita mau harus jadi yang terbaik buat kita. Padahal deep inside my heart gue tau kalo itu maksa banget.

Memang gak semua mimpi bisa disatuin. Apalagi kalo berkaitan dengan orang lain, lokasi, waktu dan lain sebagainya. Gue mendamba suatu kompleks mungil yang isinya semua yang gue mau. Ada sahabat, keluarga, pasangan dan anak, dilengkapi dengan infrastruktur berupa kantor-kantor yang tepat untuk setiap individu yang gue sayang yang cuma segelintir itu serta sekolah yang baik. Supaya gak perlu ada farewell. Satu-satunya pesta yg gue gak suka selain pesta dung dung.

Makanya itu yang buat gue seneng main The Sims, dimana kehidupan bisa lo atur sesuai dengan yang lo mau. Mau tambah tajir bisa cheat dengan gampang dan tidak berdosa, tambah seneng atau sedih ada prosedur2nya dan gak mungkin gagal karna udah sesuai dengan program2 yang udah diatur, tambah fitur-fitur tinggal nanya dan download2 di internet, dan yang paling asik, kalo udah bosen atau sebel, tinggal direstart aja. Dan yang pasti, gak ada yang pake hati. Jadi gak perlu ada rasa sedih dan takut akibat proses meninggalkan-ditinggalkan. Dalam The Sims semuanya udah pasti jalannya. Gak kaya kehidupan gue where the only certain thing is uncertainty.

Kemarin sempet ada suatu harapan. Tempat baru yang tampaknya menyenangkan dan banyak yang baru baru dan tampak meriah. Nggak taunya hari ini dapet kabar ternyata tempatnya masih belum buat gue. Lagi. Gue bisa koleksi surat penolakan nih. Disinilah ego gue keluar. Walau tiap saat berdoa agar diberikan yang terbaik, dan dengan berat hati meminta jika ini bukan yang terbaik maka jauhkanlah, tetep aja bak tergampar yang namanya ditolak lagi. Ditambah lagi pas mo dikeluarin ke seorang sahabat eh malah dicuekiiinnn!! Jadi aja jalan-jalan beli es krim sendirian demi menghibur diri. Untung disusulin sambil ngos2an, jadi gak bete lagi deh. Malah jadi gak enak. Hehhehe.

Tapi memang Tuhan gak pernah cuekin gue lama-lama, walau guenya sering banget cuekin Dia. Sorenya ada harapan lagi muncul. Abis itu menghibur diri dengan jalan-jalan tolol nengok kos temen, naek bajaj sempit-sempitan dan ngata2in bos. Emang Tuhan suka kerja dengan cara yang kadang gue terlalu bodoh untuk ngerti.

Malamnya dengerin lagu ‘Aku Ingin’ yang direkamin sama sahabat jelek gue itu. Walau takut sama apa yang didepan dan kadang berharap waktu berhenti sampai sini saja, gue berdoa lagi untuk dilancarkan semua yang terbaik buat gue. Dan sedikit nyelipin doa maksa ajaran Indra Lesmana: gue ingin senantiasa merasa bahagia.

(PS: entah kenapa lately gue gak bisa lagi terlalu egois, sekarang tiap berdoa akan selalu berlaku jamak, for me and for those who will always live in my heart)

‘sejuknya hembus angin, tlah redakan
sgala amarah dalam hatiku

terkadang kusendiri tak mengerti,
begitu mudah daku kecewa

dan ini sering kali terjadi
setiap harapanku tak terpenuhi

kucoba menyendiri, dan membisu
tuk memahami, isi jiwaku

lalu tercipta sebuah lagu merdu
tempat curahan segala resah

dan kuceritakan, pada dunia
tentang harapan dan angan-anganku’

aku ingin dapat, bebas lepas
aku ingin senantiasa, merasa bahagia

aku ingin dapat, terbang jauh
bila tiada ada yang peduli’

chatting sampe keriting

Ceritanya gue lagi terdampar di warnet, mengantar sepupu gue cari bahan buat kuliahnya. Pergilah kita ke warnet tempat gue dulu sering mengadu nasib. Demi sepotong nostalgia, pesanlah gue satu komputer sendiri tanpa tujuan yang jelas gue mo ngapain. Sampe akhirnya gue dengan isengnya ceting pake MIrc. Salah satu program chatting yang udah lama gue tinggalin.

Iseng-iseng mari kita bahas komponen-komponen chatting terutama di dunia MIrc inih.

--Pilih Channel--
Abis terkonek, gue bengong ngeliatin layar yang gak ada reaksi. Ups, harus milih channel ternyata!

#bandung: isinya orang-orang bandung, pengen punya pacar dari bandung, pengen ke bandung, pernah denger kata bandung, atau gak sengaja kepencet join

#cafeblue: isinya orang-orang yang pengen nongkrong di kafe tapi jadinya malah nyasar ke warnet

#smun3: adminnya anak sma yang baru ngerti cara jadi admin di channel mirc


--Message-message awal--
Setelah memutuskan untuk gabung di #bandung dan #jakarta, ada serentetan orang yg langsung masuk. Sepertinya sih automated, imho. Biasanya mereka nawarin hal yang sifatnya lebih private, misalnya:

1. Channel yang udah dikhususin buat kelompok tertentu
“Cina_ganteng: Tempat chit chat chinese indo? #HuaRen dong asik. klik 2 kali => #HuaRen”
(gue bisa donk ngaku chinese, lah si ucup bajaj bajuri yang lebih item dari gue aja itu kan ternyata chinese)

2. Nawarin web berisi gosip-gosip artis terkini
“Co_keren: Hidden Cam, AGnes di ngentot semasa Virgin, ayo liat di http://sexy-cam.lexson.tv. Dijamin anda tidak pernah liat”

3. Channel yang nawarin jasa kontak jodoh
“Ociee: cari gebetan di Cilandak Townsquare yuu! klik 2x -> #citos”
“Arjuna: Looking for a date near your place? search here http://datesearch.zu5.net”

--Nickname--
Selanjutnya dimulailah langkah-langkah agresip militer. Dari sekian banyak nick, mana ya yang mo gue ajak ceting? Coba deh gue intip-intip dan gue bikin profilenya dulu:

: hm, ini yang sering baca iklan baris, ngirit banget ngetiknya, dan frontal pula. Sama yg begini lo udah tau tujuannya apa, tinggal lo mo nerusin apa kagak.

laki_28: orangnya kayanya gak suka boong, jujur apa adanya, lelaki, 28 tahun

hantu_juga_manusia: pengamat musik, hey, jangan-jangan ini Candil?

: sok promosi, dan dijamin gak ganteng
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee: keabisan nick buat chatting, atau keyboardnya rusak?

feroza_biru: mengerti keinginan cewek2 yang haus dianter jemput

guest79327: belum ngerti cara buat nick atau cara ganti nick

--Sapaan awal--
Setelah sedikit hi, hello, dan apa kabar, pasti yg mereka tanyain adalah asl: age, sex, and location. Itu bisa jadi screening pertama. Kalo emang gak minat sama yg lebih muda, same sex atau yg jauh2, udah deh mending berhenti aja chatnya. Abis itu, step2nya biasanya begini:

kechoa_push up: kok dicuekin sih? ==> orangnya sensi
Adit_cakep: Cybersex yuks ==>deu, carinya yang gratisan
Co_banget: Kerja atau kul? ==> standarrr!!
Andika: Gue lagi bete nih malem ini ==> suka curhat
Kakang_prabu: Gue disini kan cuma buat ceting sama lo.. ==>ngerayu..

Udah deh abis itu gue ceting ketak ketik ketak ketik. Boong sana boong sini. Malem itu gue menyerupai Sybill yang punya kepribadian 16 biji. Tapi lama-lama males juga ngobrol basa basi mulu dan sering banget dituduh cewek jual diri gara-gara di warnet sampe jam 2 pagi. Udah deh akhirnya buat blog aja dan nyuekin tuh cowok-cowok yang manggil-manggil gue.

Hukum Kekekalan Miracle

Gak nyangka ternyata Mariah Carey lagunya lumayan berisi juga.

Pas gue sma gue suka lagunya Mariah Carey yang ‘When You Believe’, duet sama Whitney Houston untuk soundtracknya Prince of Egypt. Hm, jadi pengen nonton pelemnyah. Jaman SMA gue lagi doyan2nya nebeng temen gue. Dan kadang gue nongkrong di tempat nunggu angkot sambil nyanyi2 sendiri, ‘there can be miracle, when you believe..’ trus saat itu miracle yang datang adalah salah satu tebengan gue lewat sehingga gue bisa gratisan pulang.

Semakin kesini miracle yg gue harapin jauh lebih complicated dibandingkan sekadar cari tebengan pulang. Well, itu juga masih berlaku banget banget sih makanya gue suka melacurkan diri kalo weekend mana tau ada yang mau ngangkut gue ke Bandung.

Kadang kalo lagi bokek, gue berharap ada miracle dengan ada orang di pinggir jalan tiba2 ngasih gue kerjaan. Kalo lagi hopeless, gue pengen langsung ada orang yang tepat yang bisa ngasih a helping hand atau a shoulder to cry on. Kalo lagi bosen, gue berharap ada miracle depan gue tiba-tiba muncul Project Pop dan nyanyi-nyanyi kaya orang tolol biar gue terhibur.

Yah, kadang miracle itu emang ngeselin. Tapi seperti kata mereka, ‘There can be miracles, when you believe, though hope is frail, it's hard to kill’. Emang yang kita perluin cuma percaya, percaya kalo Yang Diatas Sana gak akan menghilangkan satu miracle pun dari apa yang seharusnya kita dapatkan. Jika kita udah berasa bakal dapat miracle dan ternyata tiba-tiba nggak jadi, mungkin Tuhan lagi buat maksud lain yang pastinya bakal lebih baik. Atau mungkin miracle yang udah kita bayang-bayangin itu hanya akan membuat kita melupakan hal-hal lain yang lebih baik lagi buat kita.

Mungkin disini berlaku Hukum Kekekalan Miracle yang bunyinya sama ama Hukum Kekekalan Energi: ‘Miracle bisa berubah bentuk tapi tidak bisa dimusnahkan’. Saat gue lagi didominasi oleh pikiran positif sih gue bisa mikir kaya gitu banget. Tapi dikala lagi negatif dan mellow, gue hanya bisa meratap, ‘mana miracle buat gue, Tuhan?’.

sayang badan sendiri yuks

Hari ini temen gue kena tragedi sama badannya. Tiba-tiba ada benda kecil bernama bisul yang gak diundang nyerang di paha kanannya bagian belakang. Sakitnya luar biasa katanya, kurang lebih mirip sama rasa sakit sehabis operasi caesar. Jalannya langsung gak bener, bilangnya sama orang sekantor sih terkilir, jadi bingung juga mikirin gimana cara nolak tawaran tukang pijet urut dari mereka yah?

Temen gue yang lain ada masalah dengan ujung jari tengah tangan kanannya. Katanya ada yang salah dengan pertumbuhan kukunya yang ngebuat sang jari jadi sakit. Mukanya sampe meringis meringis kalo sakitnya lagi kumat. Kadang masih usaha mencet-mencet jarinya dengan berbagai usaha, ngorek-ngorek kukunya dengan harapan sakitnya ilang.

Seumur-umur kayanya gue gak pernah terlalu peduli dengan keadaan paha belakang atau ujung jari. Yang selalu gue concern adalah yang fatal-fatal kaya patah kaki atau patah tangan, buta, budeg, atau segala macam hal yang bisa menciptakan suatu masalah yang besar. Sampai akhirnya gue nyadar, semua bagian dari tubuh kita, kalo berkasus, pasti kerasa banget sama bagian tubuh yang lain. Segimanapun kecilnya bagian itu.

Coba deh gue tes, apa lo tau tinggian mana jari telunjuk dan jari manis lo tanpa perlu liat dan bandingin dulu? Bagian lengan lo pori-porinya besar atau nggak? Berapa banyak tai lalat di dagu lo? (yg ini malah temen gue yang tau) Masih ada bekas luka gak sih di sikut lo? Berapa jumlah gigi lo sekarang?

Emang kadang kita suka tau banyak hal tapi malah hal kecil tentang tubuh kita sendiri kita gak tau. Padahal kalo kenapa-kenapa, nanti yang sakit pastinya kita juga.

Yuks, kita sayang sama badan kita sendiri!!!

(mencoba menyemangati diri sendiri biar sayang ama badannya dan mulai usaha buat diet)

hate being grown up

I miss the time when I didn’t have trouble in finding the right clothes to wear today

I miss the time when I got so boring in class I can just simply skip it

I miss the time when my greatest dream were merely being a cookies seller

I miss the time when I could cuddle my family without being awkward

I miss the time when I didn’t think that I need money

I miss the time when I didn’t have to choose which path I should take, because everything were so smooth and goes only in a limited way

I miss the time when buying one comic per week could satisfy me

I miss the time when playing with mud, buttons and rubber could attract my best laughter

I miss the time when I know less

I miss the time when I dream less

I miss the time when I want less

I miss the time when I care less

I miss being a little girl, though when I was little, I did hope to get all what I already got

Tolong Tuhan..

Emang susah banget buat orang percaya dan ngerti apa alesan dari tindakan-tindakan gue sebenernya. Ada yang bilang anak mama lah, dan ada juga yang bilang gue terlalu mengikuti aturan-aturan yang ada.

Potong kuping gue kalo emang gue tidak berusaha mendengar sekaligus berusaha cuek. Bantai hati gue kalo emang gue gak coba untuk mengerti dan mencoba untuk cuek. Tusuk mata gue kalo gue gak mau lihat dan gak mau merem juga. Hancurkan aja semua apa yang gue punya jika memang gue selama ini hanya duduk diam dan asik-asik menikmati kebahagiaan yang ada.

Bunuh aja pelan-pelan semua hal yang gue peduliin jika emang gue tidak berusaha. Baik berusaha untuk peduli, maupun berusaha untuk tidak peduli. Berusaha untuk menjadi suatu sosok, yang bisa masuk menjadi salah satu bagian dari suatu senyum yang sepatutnya ada.

Gue punya cara gue sendiri. Gue punya istilah gue sendiri. Istilah yang perlu dibuat dan diadakan untuk menjaga ekspektasi. Kenapa? Karna gue gak mau liat lagi rasa sakit. Karna sudah cukuplah rasa sakit itu pernah dirasakannya. Bukan karna gue ingin mengotak-ngotaki. Bukan karna gue ingin memirip-miripi. Itulah si tolol gue yang kenapa harus peduli dan ingin sekali agar rasa sakit itu tidak perlu muncul lagi.

Tidak peduli dengan istilah, sebenernya adalah cara yang paling mudah untuk senang. Karna semuanya terjustifikasi. Karna semuanya mungkin. Tapi itu juga cara yang paling dahsyat untuk menyakiti. Karna bahkan dua anak kembar pun punya cara pikir yang berbeda dan mungkin saja bersebrangan jalan sekalipun mereka memakai baju yang sama. Mending jika hanya bersebrangan, tapi bagaimana jika tabrakan?

Gue hanya ingin menyayangi. Sesuai dengan kapasitas yang gue ada dan punyai. Sesuai dengan rasa yang gue rasakan. Tapi kenapa Tuhan? Kenapa gue hanya bisa menjadi alat penyiksa?

Gue sudah tidak tau bagaimana lagi caranya untuk meminta dan meyakinkan. Jika memang kata sudah, usai, berhenti, jauh, selesai, pergi dan mati adalah kata yang ingin dikeluarkan, gue mohon dengan sangat Tuhan, untuk diberi kekuatan.

untuk seorang sahabat

Ada yang baru tumpah. Setelah numpuk sekian lama akhirnya keluar juga. Setelah bertoleransi sekian lama akhirnya gak tahan juga. Setelah berusaha sekian lama akhirnya cape juga. Setelah nahan sekian lama akhirnya marah juga.

Ada yang baru bernostalgia. Inget-inget masa lalunya. Sukanya sama kerjaan yang dulu. Kabur2nya sama temen2nya lamanya. Konflik2nya sebelumnya. Gimana pernah merasa dihargai walau pernah disakiti juga. Merasa berarti karna didenger orang banyak dan bisa berbagi ilmu.

Ada yang lagi banyak tanya. Kenapa harus liat CV? Kenapa harus ada strata dalam kerjaan? Kenapa mereka anggap gue gak mampu? Kenapa mereka gak mau dengerin? Kenapa mereka maunya enaknya aja? Kenapa kerjaan administrative dianggap sucks? Apa gunanya sekolah tinggi tinggi?

Ada yang lagi takut. Ngerasa utang budi sama seseorang. Nggak enak untuk ngabur ataupun pamit. Gak enak untuk minta lebih. Takut untuk lebih sakit lagi. Takut semakin mati lagi. Takut gak bisa berkreasi lagi. Takut gak bisa bermimpi lagi. Takut ditolak dan gagal lagi. Takut sedih lagi.

Ada yang lagi males. Males beresin kerjaan karna males berkomunikasi. Males komunikasi karna udah tau bakal dicuekin. Males jadi travel biro. Males dateng pagi. Males pake baju rapi ke kantor sendiri. Males di kantor sendiri sukanya malah nongkrong di kantor orang.

Dan ada juga yang jadi bingung dan bertanya-tanya. Apa yah yang bisa gue bantu? Gimana cara gue meringankan bebannya? Gimana supaya pede dan cengiran tololnya tetep ada? Gimana supaya gak stress lagi?

Akhirnya, ada yang berdoa lebih lama lagi malam itu.

the verb sorry

A friend of mine cried today. Domestic problems. Tired of a thing called ego and different point of view. This is the bizarre thing of a relationship. How one could feel that she has try her very best but still the other party would tell that she done nothing. Would we have a winner in this kind of case?

Sometime there’s a pride in me if I win a debate. But when my sense and conscious back, I hate myself to death of having a battle. Especially when I win it. I hate conflict. Maybe because I watch too many conflict which end in no solutions. One might seems to win at the moment. But I consider that both sides are losing. I hate that black aura which happens on fight. Innocent party might get involved of your fight. Your children. Your surrounding. Should they got the effect also? Did you ever consider that it might make them trauma? Or you just think of yourself? Then go live in the jungle and leave everybody.

However, there’s no such thing as perfect right? Problems keep happening. Fight will always happen. The only thing that might do well is trying to look from others point of view and redeem your ego. And hoping that everyone will do the same. So we could live in harmony. Just like the fairy tale.

But its impossible. Nowadays people are even afraid of saying the words sorry. Many bad things happen just because that word is so hard to be pronounced. People think that sorry means that you loose. Sorry means weak. Sorry means you lost your pride.

I’d rather seen it as a different thing. Sorry can put things back at ease. Sorry can guard your relationship. Sorry means you win your spouse, your friends, your family back. We ain’t angel. We are just a simple human who born to make mistakes. No matter which one is right or wrong, a little sorry is enough to conquer a heavy fight. Because right or wrong is just depend on how we see it.

Am I too naïve?

All I Am

All I Am - Heatwave

Who do you think you see?
When you look at me?
Is it somebody strong?
Somebody you could admire?

And who do you think I am?
When I take your hand?
Are you counting on me?
To fill your dreams and your desires?

Chorus
Well all I am
Is lonely (just) like you
All I wanna do
Is have one dream come true
All I am is handing you my heart
And hoping to be part of you

Who do you think you are?
Standing in the dark
Are you waiting for me?
Why can't I reach you from here?

And how do I get to you?
Won't you let me through?
Don't you think maybe we
Have something special to be shared?


[Often wonder who I am from someone-that-I-care point of view. I know that theres a lot of love to share. Sometime its sweet, but sometime its hard for me to get through. Sometime I feel so meaningful, but sometime I’m nothing. Then I heard this old song again, maybe this is all I could tell about myself. This is all I am.]

Just Another Girl

Been got back from a party some hours ago. It’s called Jakarta Gathering of my college buddies. Thought it was a small party. But it turns out to be pretty merry. Some people that I don’t know came as well. Not really comfortable. Especially that she’s there as well.

Always thought that I forget him. Always thought that I care no more for him to be someone-to-be-with. Always thought that I wont give a damn if I saw them together again. Guess some of them still wrong.

It is no longer that crazy little thing called love. That little thing is gone some years ago. I can assure of that. But this feeling of pride, that someone has beaten me, that a man, a friend of mine, lie to me for several years. That big thing called pride is what bug me so deep everytime I saw them together.

He is no longer the same person I know before. No longer become the person that I admire and I do care much. Yes I still care for him but just the same as I will care my other friends on his level. He is changing. Into someone that I’m no longer comfortable with. The only thing that put us in ease is our past, and anything written in newspaper or TVs.

And she? I hardly know about her. I just don’t like her. Sometimes I wonder why. Is it because she’s prettier than me? Smarter? Wealthier? If that so, is that what a guy always looking from a girl? Then I’m sure I wont get any. I’m very lacking at those three departments. But, is it right? Can I just hate someone because she’s better than me? Then I will hate nearly everybody. Then I will live in jealousy.

But the heck. I don’t like her. And I don’t think that I have obligation to stay near her. So just stay put. Stay away. Yes you win the competition. Yes you has just proved that you are way better than me and as usual, I am a nobody. Hate to admit this. Gotta kill my pride to finally admit this. Admit that again, and again, I am just another girl.

an Impromptu Vacation

Wed. 180505.
‘eh, USB lo rusak tuh, naek dong ke ruangannya UC‘
(setelah sampai diatas, ada UC dan perut buncit)
‘Ke Malaysia yuks?’
‘Eh, minggu depan Long Weekend, pas banget!’
‘Perginya kapan?’
‘Jumat pagi aja!’
‘Lusa dooong!!’ (panik tapi kegirangan) ‘Jadi bolosnya kapan aja?’ (nagih)
‘Bolos jumat ama senen aja, selasa balik, mayan tuh 5 hari’
(Telpon sana telpon sini cari tiket sampe jam 8 malem. Mikir cara nawar fiskal. Naek pesawat apa ya dari Spore? Sms semua temen yang di MY and Spore. Paspor gue dimana ye? Cari rute dengan biaya termurah sampe perut buncit keceletot bilang ‘jadi kita naek fery sampe batam terus ganti pesawat ke MY?’)
‘asik dapet!!’

Thurs. 190505.
‘kasus nih, tiket batam-jakartanya kurang 1, harus diambil ke harmoni sebelum jam 12’ (padahal itu udah jam 11.45. langsung kebayang macetnya dan debunya jakarta siang itu sepanjang hang lekir-harmoni. Ganti strategi, merayu2 mbak Lusi sang travel biro, sampe akhirnya tiket bisa diambil sore2 di BEJ)
‘form cuti gimana?’
‘gak usah aja!’. ‘ah repot lagi, kabur aja nape?’. ‘tar aja mendadak2’
(gak taunya..)
‘nduy, aku mo ngomong sama kamu’ (kata si bos besar sebelum rapat)
‘ok mbak’ (dengan senyum termanis padahal deg2an banget, ‘sialan nih ketauan’)
(awal2 rapat kasak kusuk sama Mbak Asye sang HRD untuk ngisi form cuti. Tengah2 rapat sok2 nimbrung kasih2 ide supaya gak salting karna duduk sebelah sang bos besar. Akhir rapat jalan timik timik ke ruangan bos besar sambil menyiapkan kata-kata manis.)
‘maaf mbak musti tau dengan cara seperti ini’
bla bla bla (gue cut aja deh kata2nya si bos besar, kepanjangan dan muter2 aja)
‘tapi mbak,..’. ‘aku ngerti posisi mbak banget, cuma…’. ‘Betul sekali, saya minta maaf banget karna ini masih pertama buat saya…’. ‘tolong sekali mbak, kami sudah..’ (ada kesempatan holiday tolol didepan mata, perjuangan kudu gila2an dong)

---di tempat UC---
‘ini keputusan berat sekali buat aku, tapi kalian boleh pegi’
(yippppieee!!!)
(malemnya gue dan perut buncit sempet ke PS ambil2 titipan. Makan McD sisa biar ngirit. Kena marah sonya, ai dan dhani yang ngiri. Naek bus ngeteng ke bekasi biar ngirit juga. Depan kompleks orang kaya ngitung2 duit buat naek ojek. Beberes barang pinjem ransel keren yang ternyata punya adenya perut buncit –pantes keren :P-. Have a nice dream of the upcoming holiday)

Fri. 200505.
(mata setengah melek ke bus damri. Naek. Tidur pules)
‘tet, bangun dah nyampe’
(gelagapan bedua karna sama2 baru bangun pas depan gate Wings Air Murah Jaya. Check in. Makan dunkin)
‘ya ampun kok udah pada tidur sih?’ (UC ngebatin liat gue dan buncit tidur sebelum take off)

----di batam---
‘sialan gue disangka TKI’
‘ayo kita bareng2 kesana!’ (sok mengira kita gak bakal dituduh TKI juga)
‘mbak2, ikut jalur sebelah sana’. ‘isi form dulu mbak’. ‘harus didata’ (dengan gaya senga megang walkie talkie dan ngegusah2 kaya ke ayam. Berdebat panjang kali lebar. Selamat deh. Keluar. Ketemu mas Azhar dan taksi)
‘gue nasi goreng aja deh, kayanya gak bakal abis’ (taunya abis banget)
‘gue gak terlalu suka duren sih..’ (taunya abis banyak)

---johor---
‘foto dulu dong!’ (begitu melihat tanda ‘selamat datang di malaysia’. Kita kan turis gtu loh)
(sampe rumah Mbak Nurul sodaranya UC, malu2 ada yang minta teh panas sama cocacola. Bentar2 lirik2 pisang goreng dan salak.)

---di mobil lagi jalan puter2 johor---
‘makannya enak yah?’
‘iya makannya enak banget, apalagi kalo gratisan’ (ngomong teriak2 di belakang orang yang baru nraktir makan malam)

Sat. 210505.
(ke Melaka, mampir makan duren. UC dan perut buncit kegirangan. Gue manyun poto2 sendiri aja sambil sesekali makan pisang goreng)
‘woy, hotelnya ratenya RM 280 euy’ (tegang dapet hotel mahal)
(puter2 melaka. Masuk kesultanan melaka)
‘Teuku Umar dari Palembang kan?’ (pasti jadi bahan celaan seumur idup nih)
(terusin jalan2. masuk museum2 oke2 dan murah2. liat2 jalanan. Becanya keren2. ada bekas benteng2 portugis. beli eskrim. Poto2)

--sore2an dikit---
‘how can I get to KL?’ (nanya mas2 money changer padahal sebenernya lagi itung2 duit enaknya nuker berapa yah?)
‘how can I get to church?’ (perasaan semua orang nunjuk arah yang berbeda2)
(balik lagi ke hotel. Ada yang teler dan idungnya meler. Dikasi dopping obat juga gak mempan. Tapi tetep, dasar anak baek dan doyan jalan, mo nemenin nongkrong2 diluar. Minum teh tarik dan mie rebus)
(balik jam satu malem. Kirain udah bisa menikmati hotel mahal. Taunya..)
‘adohh..’ (dari kamar mandi)
‘kenapa?’ (udah was was)
(dengan tampang dongonya yang khas si perut buncit keluar sambil megang celana panjangnya yang basah kuyup)
‘kok bisa?’
‘ditaro dibawah’ (fyi, sebelumnya ada dialog tentang anatomi WC di hotel itu yang gak oke. Yang bisa buat seluruh lantai basah)
(Akhirnya malam itu kita setrika2 celana dan hair dryer berubah fungsi jadi celana dryer)

Sun. 220505.
(bangun pagi buta. jalan penuh semangat ke gereja)
‘wah gak ada yg bahasa inggris’
(jalan penuh semangat ke gereja yang lain. Poto2. liat makanan2 enak)
‘nanti kita makan sinih yah’
(karna itu pecinan gue hanya berharap ada teh botol disana)
(ternyata di gereja yang satunya itu gak ada yang bahasa inggris juga)
‘ ihgirngsamf.. difhguiwjg… ighringrmmoew’
(ikut misa berbahasa Tamil di gereja yang pertama)
‘bantet, perut gue sakit banget nehh..’
(gue ditinggal boker di misa dengan bahasa kagak ngerti, dimana orang muka melayu kalo si perut buncit pergi berarti tinggal gue doang)

---KL---
(Pisah ama UC. Dia lanjut ke Perak ketemu Camer. Kita ketemu Chepot, temennya perut buncit di KLCC. Makan. Dibayarin. Enak banget. Apa gue laper yah?)
‘udah abis lagi?’
‘iyah’ (dengan malu2 gak enak karena nggragas. Maap yah)
(cari vincci buat Tika. Gue gak nemu apa2. Setelah cape mengajak mreka2 puter2 KLCC sambil nanya2 si Suuntoloyo titipannya Sonya, kta ke Pecinan. Minum mata kucing. Perut Buncit makan Bakuteh. Duile mukanya menikmati sekali. Gak lupa poto2. Abis itu dibawa ke toko buku bekas. Kalap deh. Trus cengar cengir sepanjang jalan. Di rumah Chepot perang sama anaknya temennya. Perut Buncit difitnah mengganti channel)
‘I don’t want that kakak kakak to stay’ (penolakan dari anak kecil)
(setelah menikmati es krim dan mandi mandi. Cari makan malam --sate malaysia, lala, kwetiaw, dkk-- dan langsung balik ke terminal Blok M ala KL)

Mon. 230505.
(back to johor subuh2. Taksi lagi peak season. Jadi bobo tempat mas azhar. Umpel2an deh kita. Nyampe rumah Mbak Nurul numpang sarapan dan nerusin ke Spore)

--spore--
(baru nyadar gak ada duit S$ sepeser pun. Nyari money changer malah nemu Glodok ala Spore)
‘how much does it cost?’ (perut buncit menemukan dunianya. Setelah cocok harga dan dikeluarin barang. Nanya2. Dan keluarlah kalimat standar penjual)
‘this one is better’ (dikeluarkanlah barang yang lebih mahal. Lebih canggih. Lebih keren. Perut buncit tergoda dong.)
‘woy, sini sini’ (UC manggil dari luar. Ternyata diusir sama yang punya toko. Nawarnya salah gaya. Akhirnya kita split lagi. Ketemu malem2 aja di stasiun bus)
(keluar dari situ bawa barang gede. Giliran perut buncit yang cengar cengir dapet maenan baru. Keluar toko langsung ngoprek sambil nyeka2 idung. Tsk tsk tsk. Terus abis itu pusing sendiri mikir bayar pake apa)
(Mampir ke temple2. Poto2. Beribadah. Naek MRT ke Orchard. Jalan2 di Orchard kaya orang tolol. Ada yang gak doyan belanja diajak window shopping. Malem2 udah cape duduk2 di trotoar sambil poto2 diri sendiri. Masuk mall numpang pipis, ketemu Malaikat)
‘Muslim? Udah sholat?’
(jejeng jejeng. Gue gak sholat dari zuhur. Padahal itu udah magrib lewat. Lari2 nyari mesjid. Nemu yang lagi jemaahan. Alhamdulillah)
(nyasar2 nyari stasiun busnya. Demi mempersingkat waktu naek bus ngeteng ceritanyah. Ktemu Malaikat nomer 2. Waiter McD yg nunjukkin jalan ke Stasiun Bus. UC udah ngilang. Back to Johor)
(ngakak2 di bus ke Johor nginget2 ketololan kita berholiday ria. Tut. Ada sms. Ternyata dari si bos besar. Nagih kerjaan yang belum pernah dikasiin ke si Perut Buncit. Langsung deh bete. Jadi tambah sebel sama bos besar. Ngilangin cengirannya si Perut Buncit. Suka amat sih gangguin orang. Gangguin holiday orang. Gak ngenak2in orang lagi mo seneng2. Muka dongo langsung berubah jadi muka serius. Malem2 abis ngata2in bos besar sama UC, belajar dulu ngerjain tugas. Bos besar jadi Setan nomer satu)


Tues. 230505.
‘jadi naek fery jam berapa?’
‘13.40 masih bisa kok’

--di Johor Bay--
‘nanti bisa check in jam 2’
(loh kok jam 2? Kan kita ngincer jam 13.40?)
‘yang 13.40 gak jalan, adanya jam 14.30’ (dengan cueknya)
(langsung itung2 waktu dari Johor Bay sampe naek pesawat. Kesimpulannya: gak mungkin banget)
(di kapal fery tegang banget. Kapalnya telat pula. Duduk paling depan dan diusir2. Gak mau dong. Nonton tipi dibawahnya banget jadi pusing sendiri)

--di Batam Bay--
(lari-lari kaya orang tolol menuju taksi)
‘emang pesawatnya jam berapa mbak?’
‘sekarang, Pak!’
‘ya udah Mbak tambah aja, jangan tegang, nanti saya kebut sampe bandara’
(dan kebutlah Bapak Taksi sang Malaikat nomer 3. Gue duduk depan. Tegang banget. Merem2 melulu. Untung yg dibelakang gak pada liat. Sambil terus berdoa. Delay dong delay oh Batavia.)

--nyampe Hang Nadim Airport Batam--
‘Pak kita telat’ (sambil ngos2an depan loket kosong. Berdoa jalan terus)
‘waduh udah gak bisa nih’ (sambil gak usaha apa2 selain ngebuka2 tiket)
‘ada apa nih?’ (seorang mbak2 dateng. Sigap banget. Langsung ambil telpon. Nempelin Stiker di Boarding Pass. Bujuk2in pesawatnya supaya gak pergi. Aman deh. Thanks to mbak2 malaikat nomer 4).
(lari-lari kaya orang tolol sampe pesawat. Duduk masih ngos2an. Begitu duduk baru berasa laper banget karna tadi gak makan siang. Roti pembagian dari pesawat kayanya enak banget)

--nyampe Airport Jakarta--
(lega udah nyampe. Jadi sempet poto2 depan pesawat)
‘gue dapet sms dari susy, nanya gue nikah gak di Malaysia?’
(Jahilnya kumat. Perut Buncit langsung tlp Ale dan ngarang cerita bahwa UC nikah di Malaysia)

[Hari itu masih diterusin ke Plaza Semanggi. Cari makanan padang dan gak dapet. Males pulang banget. Apalagi gue di kos sendirian. Sendirian banget. Abis ampir seminggu asik terus. Gak sendirian terus. Maen2 terus. Seneng2 terus. Ada temen berbagi terus. Ilang semua beban (kecuali si setan nomer 1 yah). Balik lagi deh, ke kamar ukuran 1.7 x 3.4. Bete liatin lantai kotor dan kamar berantakan. Jomplang banget euy? Keluarlah defensive mode gue, nangis kesenengan dan kebetean sekaligus. Terus berdoa. Bersyukur udah pernah seseneng ini. Minta maaf karna kemaruk, pengennya seneng2 terus. Mohon supaya kuat besok2nya. Mohon supaya nggak ketagihan. Terus makasih lagi. Dan makasih lagi.]

--Makasih buat Perut Buncit (ditungguin, 4 malaikat dan 1 setannya), UC dan semuanya yang udah buat holiday ini begitu sinting!!!--

most richly blessed

I asked God for strength that I may achieve,
I was made weak to humbly obey.

I asked God for health that I may do great things,
I was given infirmity that I may do better things.

I asked for riches that I might be happy,
I was given poverty that I may be wise.

I asked for power that I may have the praise of men,
I was given weakness that I may feel the need of God.

I asked for all things, that I may enjoy life,
I was given life, that I may enjoy all things.

I got nothing that I asked for,
but everything I had hoped for.

Almost despite myself,
my unspoken prayers were answered.

I am, among all, most richly blessed.

-- by unknown (USA) Civil War soldier --

would I?

(just browse through my old files and find this writing. dunno where I get it. could be a forward-email or I made this sometime ago. anyway bit change has made. to make this writing so-me)

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most? Saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do, they might break your heart. But if you don't, you might break theirs.

Have you ever decided not to become close with someone because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person? Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't. You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own. Even when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to.

Have you ever wanted to care for someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you? Too many of us play hard on ourselves because we are too afraid to care too much. For fear that the other person does not care as much, or at all.

Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we are afraid. Afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger.

Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have, or could have had.

What would you do if every time you wanted to be with someone, they would never be there? What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how much you care for them?

Perhaps all of these questions are the answer on how people who actually care and don’t want to hurt each other could still get puzzled.

Just want to tell you that you are a truly dear friend.

If something happened to me tomorrow, you would always be in my heart.

Would I be in yours?

leyeh leyeh

Ngantuk. Gue doyan banget tidur. Kalo gue disuruh pilih antara makan, mandi, dan tidur. Maka gue akan pilih tidur. Seringnya sih gak tidur-tidur amat. Cuma merem-merem bentar diatas permukaan datar sambil dengerin musik dan ngehayal-hayal dikit. Nyokap gue bilangnya leyeh-leyeh. Dan si leyeh-leyeh ini gak hanya enak dilakukan diatas kasur.

di angkot
Berhubung rumah gue jauh banget waktu di Bandung, tidur di angkot menjadi salah satu hobi gue. Kadang gue baca juga sih diangkot. Kalo pegi biasanya baca buku pelajaran, kalo pulang baca novel. Tapi kalo nature call, mending juga gue cari tempat di pojok. Dan tidur sambil senderan ke kaca. Kalo gak dapet dipojok, tidur sambil nyender di ransel. Boleh juga curi-curi kesebelah kalo keliatannya orang baek-baek. Kadang begitu bangun, tetep jaim sambil perhatiin jalan. Terus dengan pedenya teriak ‘kiri, kiri!’ minta turun. Begitu turun nyebrang dan naek arah sebaliknya. Karena ternyata kelewatan euy.

sambil ngobrol
‘duy’. ’hah? (sambil gelagapan) iya sih bener kata ria, mendingan juga dibagi dua aja’. ‘yang bilang dibagi dua si wini duy’. ‘ah masa sih?’ yah kalo gue udah mulai gak nyambung pas lagi ngobrol2 terutama lagi belajar. Itu tandanya gue lagi asik2 leyeh2.

di kolam renang
kemaren sempet berenang kemaleman di Citos. Ternyata enak banget. Pas banget pantulan2 cahayanya. Udaranya enak kan kagak panas tapi dingin banget juga nggak. Kemaren juga sempet lagi bete2 sama kerjaan dan berenang sendirian kesana. Enak buat leyeh-leyeh. Trus baliknya beli roti goreng mayonais. Slurp. Atau es krim Pisa kalo lagi tajir. Double Slurp.

Akhir-akhir ini ada tempat baru buat leyeh-leyeh.
Di kantor.
Kalo terlalu banyak kerjaan dan akhirnya bingung ngerjain yang mana duluan. Atau kalo gak ada kerjaan jadi bingung apa yang mo dikerjain. Itulah saat paling enak buat leyeh-leyeh. Mana depan computer yang konon kabarnya emang buat mata ngantuk kalo kelamaan dipelongin (padahal nonton Meteor Garden gue nonstop depan computer dan mata gue baek2 aja, paling bengkak gara-gara nangis). Terus apa yang paling enak sambil leyeh2 depan computer? Nyemil, minum kopi, browsing ape gtuh dan nulis di blog, kayak sekarang.

Dimana tempat leyeh-leyeh favorit lo?

addicted to gadget

Been wondering my previous life some years ago. Where I could live happily without any help of handphone. So different with today. In my first year carrying handphone, it will be better for me if I forgot my entire bag than to leave my handy. Recently, handy is not enough. It gotta be loaded with account also.

And now I feel a huge desire in buying laptop. Aside from the fact that my bro is going to take my desktop to Bandung, I do think that I need one. Badly. Dont know what kind of lust it is, but I need to have a laptop. I need it. I wanna buy it. I wanna have it. Muahahhahahhaha.

they're not yours they are my own

Heard this song couple days ago in the office. Been a while since the last time I really listen and put attention on its lyrics.

I’m actually not a Jewel fan, so it’s a bit hard for me to salute her song. But anyway, here’s the condensed-version lyrics:

Jewel – Hands

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all ok
And not to worry because worry is wasteful
and useless in times like these

I will not be made useless
I won't be idled with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
for light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know,
but they're not yours they are my own
but they're not yours they are my own
and I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes
but it didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
but I knew it wasn't ever after

We will fight, not out of spite
for someone must stand up for what's right
cause where there's a man who has no voice
there ours shall go singing

In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees and I will pray
I will get down on my knees and I will pray

I consider that the point is, no matter what and who we are, we were born to be something. Maybe we were not so lucky in certain areas (brain, look, behavior, handicapped, teeth) but they're not yours they are my own! And when things got bad, just get kneel and pray for everything to be return in kind.

Such a soul-fulfilling song!

it takes (at least) two to tango

Suka serem sama cerita orang-orang lately. Bagaimana hubungan seseorang bisa berubah dari yang asalnya saling sayang, sampai akhirnya saling benci. Orang yang paling bisa bikin lo sakit adalah orang yang paling lo sayang, bisa jadi ortu lo, temen, pacar, siblings, etc.

Jaman-jamannya gue baca Chicken Soup, ada satu quotation yang gue terus inget sampe sekarang. Intinya sih, kalo kita care sama seseorang, perlakukanlah dia seperti pasir diatas tangan kita. Kalo kita menggenggam pasir itu terlalu kuat, dia bakal sesak dan pelan-pelan keluar dari sela-sela jari kita. Tapi kalo kita buka jarinya, pasir-pasir itu bakal nyaman di telapak tangan kita.

Ada benernya sih quotation itu, tapi ada kurangnya juga. Emangnya kagak cape si tangan nampung pasir melulu? Terus, apa si tangan dan pasir itu gak bisa saling berbagi dengan elemen kehidupan yang lain?

Gimana kalo analoginya gue ganti jadi garam dan merica. Dua-duanya bisa bebas explore kemana aja dan shows their best di dunia mereka masing-masing. Tapi kalo disatuin pun mereka bisa cocok, asal tepat formulanya. Walau bisa juga saling ngacoin kalo emang lagi datang bulan tidak oke. Dan namanya juga sama-sama bumbu dapur, apakah salah untuk saling mengisi dan saling berbagi? Antar mereka sendiri, dengan bumbu-bumbu dapur yang lain, ataupun dengan specialties mereka masing-masing?

Rasa sayang, gak mo kehilangan, sebel, sedih, seneng itu bukan keran air yang bisa dibuka tutup kapan aja kita mau. Disinilah peran otak dan pikiran realistis, sesuatu yang seringnya gak berfungsi kalo udah pake hati. Karna emang hati dan otak suka gak singkron jalannya (punya gue sih seringnya begitu).

Yah tapi, yang penting kan usaha. Marilah kita selalu berusaha untuk mempertahankan rasa sayang. Terusin doa tiap malemnya untuk nyamain visi dan misi. Pegang tangannya aja kuat-kuat karna kalo hatinya bisa kepegang berarti gue sebenernya pembunuh bayaran yang terus ketawa membahana sambil memegang hatinya yang berlumuran darah bak di pelem-pelem thriller.

Kalo ternyata orangnya tetep mo pergi dan masi doyan ngilang tanpa pamit? Well, guess we’ve done our best and there’s nothing else that we can do, right? Karna semuanya itu tango, and it takes (at least) two to tango. Kalo yang satu maunya tango dan yang lain salsa ribet dooong ;)

an atmosphere hunter

The thing that I always seek into when I entered a new city is their local food. Yeah, you could call me a freak food hunter. And its indeed reflected in my shape.

My best achievement on food-huntering was on Makassar. The food is damn delicious and its affordable. Up until now I can still tell the taste of Coto Makassar and some-green-banana-icy thing which I forgot the name. I have once bought its replica in Bandung, but it taste different. Could be caused by the originality that of course Bandung wont have? Or simply because the atmosphere was different?

I just had lunch with some old friends on last Friday. From all six of us, one ordered kwetiaw and the others were enjoying their beverages. This single plate of kwetiaw was invading by all of us, and it seems so tasty. But when I order it on my own. It didn’t taste that good.

Same thing happen some weeks ago when we was invading one bowl of soup with hat. We ate them so barbarically until the table was covered in splash of soup and the pieces of the danish was scattered all around the place even until our clothes. And it tasted so good.

Sometime like to wonder. Why I sometime couldn’t enjoy the food in some fancy restaurant with my bosses? Why I enjoy more in lingering in bed just to chat with a or several friends and just drink mineral water and ate chips?

Maybe the sugar, spice and salt are not always be the answer for delicious food. I think atmosphere play a great role here. Therefore I would like to change my alias into an atmosphere hunter.

(would like to bestow my sincerest gratitude for those of you who put contribution in making nice atmosphere around until I get this fat)

no bosses around!!

My two biggest (well, one is quite big and one is tall enough) bosses are not around since Monday. And guess what happened at the office?

Lets see, some come to the office very late, some come home very early, and some come very late and get rushing back home or having massage at 4 o clock in the afternoon. And all of these are recorded in the not-so-sophisticated-attendance-recording-device, but too bad no one put much attention on follow up of the poor machine.

Actually, is it allowed to be not in order while your bosses away? Why we actually following the rules? Is it because we are afraid of our bosses? Or we respect them? If we jump with glee of their absent in office, and a bit ignoring our work and have a helluvah lunch or enjoy the relaxation at the beauty parlor during the office hour, is that what respect means?

I never thought that I will have this feeling of extremely relieve knowing that my bosses is not around. Some part of my brain keep telling me that this is not the way it supposed to be. I should’ve stay put with my job regardless they are around or not, instead, I did make 3 writings on blogs (2 are recently published and 1 still on draft), help my friend selling several shirts, have great breakfast outside, browse www.nationalgeographic.com, making 1 glass of tea and 1 coffee and now I’m going to have lunch. Meanwhile, I’m actually aware of what tasks that I need to do that related with office. But I just didn’t have that desire to finish them.

Think its time for me to move forward, but, where to go?

yang buat gue shock sejak hidup baru gue di jakarta

1. Walau jarak ke kantor deket, ngekos itu gak seenak rumah gue di Bandung yg sejauh2nya manusia
2. Blog itu asik euy
3. ‘Sex and the city’ taught more about friendship than ‘friends’
4. Jakarta gak macet-macet amat (jalur gue)
5. Pindah kos itu ribet
6. Saku celana bukan tempat yang paling aman untuk nyimpen HP
7. Nemu cecurut di kamar kos gue yg berukuran hanya 1.7 x 3.4
8. Dengerin FGD atau diskusi2nya orang2 tua itu frustrating, kagak kestruktur dan kebanyakan cerita pengalaman mereka instead of jawab pertanyaan
9. Baju2 gue yang gue pikir gedombrangan sekarang semuanya ngepas
10. Ternyata rekening koran itu maksudnya rekening tabungan, bukan rekening langganan koran
11. Kepeditan dan kekayaan itu ternyata seringnya berbanding lurus
12. Brenang sendirian di Citos malem2 ternyata asik juga
13. Ternyata beberapa sobat gue perhitungan
14. Orang-orang yang mungkin keren pas pertama lo liat, belom tentu bakal jadi keren terus
15. Banyak banget artis di Jakarta
16. Ben dilagunya Jacko itu tikus, bukan anak kecil negro
17. Kerja itu susah kalo gak pake hati
18. It feels good to know that you are meaningful
19. Sesokcuek2nya gue, ternyata tetep aja bete kalo tau ada kerjaan yang harusnya bisa buat gue tapi dilempar ke orang lain
20. Ternyata cowok punya G-spot juga
21. Buku-buku cetakan luar juaaauuhhh lebih enteng dibandingin cetakan-cetakan domestik
22. gendut itu gampang, pake hati ataupun tidak
23. Bos-bos itu pada dasarnya rese, suka jadiin anak buahnya tameng, apa gak kebalik tuh?
24. Life is indeed hard, but just enjoy it lah!

Darkness

On my early elementary ages, I do afraid of the dark.

When the nights come, I always have this eerie feeling. In my mind, all bad things happens when its dark. I always hold my Mom’s hand so tight so that she wouldn’t go away. I’m afraid that she could sometime die if I didn’t hold her tight. I hold her skirt, her sleeves and everything so that nothing can take her away from me.

That’s the best that a 7 years girl can do to prevent someone from losing.

I often forget those moments. Due to the growth of my sense, I do aware that it takes more than just holding hand to stop someone that you care from going away from you. And I do aware, that darkness doesn’t always mean no lights.

And if someone stay near you physically, Doesn’t mean that the heart stay close as well

I recently feel that eerie feeling again. And I don't know why, but I suddenly back to that 7 years old girl and do the silly thing again.

why do people have to work?

There are several phases that need to go through in our life, born, school, work, marriage, having children, then die peacefully. My phase is on the work now. Wanna share you all a bit about this.

Kinda confuse of the reason why people have to work. Is it for money? Pleasure? Social life? Expressing your lust? Pride? Killing time? Or just simply because we have to do it.

I graduate from a varsity where most of its alumni put pride first for their job. The more famous your place of work, the more salutation will be given to you. Appraisal from people, that admiring and astonishing look in people eyes everytime you mention your company, the calculating brain which imagining how much bonuses that you will gain in the end of the year, are they what actually be the reason to work?

To the contrary, some closest friends of mine are thinking in the different way. Some of them are not coming from what so called prestigious varsities. Although how much I hate to admit this, but the easiest -please do notice the word easy and not effective- way for the recruiting team in most of the company to measure their candidates performance is merely by the name of the varsities and some numbers, or well known as GPA.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, this group of people, they don’t really care of what kind of job that they will have. They will be so glad just to have a job, regardless what kind of job it is or whether it will be suitable with their background or not. Some which coming from a lucky family didn’t even consider that their salary are very much less then their expenditure. Its all the same. They think they should work because they have to. As simple as that.

I do agree that people have to work, but I don’t agree to any of the above reason of why should people work. Firstly, we need activities and we need cash to continue or live. Yes, no doubt in that and –correct me if I’m wrong- the only way to do it is by working. Therefore we have to work and the salary must be able to cover average expenditure.

But something that people nowadays remain forgotten is to follow the little thing call heart. Most of my surrounding are using brain much often than heart. They do the cost and benefit analysis of place to work by using mostly brain. The keywords that they are using is salary, location, MNC/not, do they have website, bonuses, career, etc., let alone the word chemistry, interest, how it could benefit other than you and your company, how it could bring betterment to the society, and so on.

I would actually prefer to merge both of my brain and my heart, by building a thing called dream. I thought it would be perfect if I could merge my capacity and interest into a dream and the thing that I need to do is find a place to make that dream come true. I know that this wont be any easy, maybe the only way is by creating this place on my own. But anyway, for the time being, anywhere you work, just don’t let the lights of your dreams goes out. Just promise yourself that you’ll do it sometime. Even when you didn’t make it come true, be glad, because to build a dream is hard enough.

magical place

It’s the place where sun doesn’t burn much
Yet it’s the place where cold doesn’t bite

It’s the place where grin and laughter are welcomed
But frown and tears are allowed

It’s the place where all problems could be forgotten for a while,
Then you know that you wont solve it on your own

It’s the place where all excitement present,
Yet the fear of afraid of losing each other appear as well

It’s the place where you feel so meaningful and guarded

It’s the place where you could really understand the exact meaning of comfortable

It’s really a magical place on earth
Where squirrel and hairy caterpillar found each other

It’s the place where the strongest bond exist
Yet it’s the place where the misunderstanding kept happening

Yeah different species have their own way in saying their thoughts,
But I believe that they do have their own sacred and unique kind of love to share
And the dream to keep this magical place always

Hope the squirrel and the hairy caterpillar have the same believe as me
Because not everyone could have this marvelous privilege

(inspired from the song 'Return to the Pooh Corner'. It's really a beautiful place, gak peduli yg temenan babi ama keledai, heheheh)

my definition of love

love is the only thing that i can actually share
it could be as glittery as gold
a simple kind of love, full of love and caring
same size, same portion, freely, truly, honestly
for such a nice person, friend, enemy, partner
aka sibling if i could humbly add

sometime we try to deny the fact
that the definition of any kind of love
is still depend on how people see it
no matter how extremely we care for someone
if theres this different point of view
then this sacred feeling that actually available
yet seem to be inappropiate

sometime the selfish part of the heart keep asking everything to stay the same
because the whole thing was just too beautiful to leave behind
because to lose the picture perfect of friendship is somehow unbearable

but..
if i still be selfish
then it will loose the essence of my love itself..

therefore I hereby re-define my statement of love
that this feeling of mine will be undefinable
I will care for you in my own way in whatever you`ll choose to act
I might never gonna say it in precise and accurate words
you just need to listen it with your deepest kindest heart that I ever know

thanks a lot
always wish you happiness in each and every breath you take

its just me

Feminine and gorgeous lady
That’s surely not me
I like to wear jeans
And have short hair cut
And also laughing out loud

Mastering general knowledge
That’s the thing that I always hate
I might know few things
But what interest me most, is just to sing

A violin-shape female
I think I more similar to whale, a nigger whale :D
I`m working on it, though..
But it seems didn’t work really well

Being a steel heart girl
It will really torture me
I shed tears in all Disney movies
Okay, all movies..
And happy stories,
Amaze me more than tragedy

Yup,
That’s me!!
I know that I`m not in-the-magazine-kind-of-girl
But I don’t want to change me..
And I do hope that you all will love me as me

(It was made on a day when the urge of loving one particular male is clashing with the dignity of just being myself. And myself is the winner. Though I still want him to love me back, heuhuehueh)

Roommate

I was leaving Bandung last year. There will be a long story for this, but it was awfully depressing for me to get out of the city. However, with strong will to strive for a brand new life and try to find the deepest meaning of being independent, I did move to Jakarta for my first job.

A new sheet of life means a new sheet in the bed. I gotta find somewhere to live. After knocking numerous doors, I decided to stay in the same room with an old friend from college. The room was pretty large. People could actually play football in this room.

Room arrangement was done. Never say it was easy though, she likes blue and I do green. So if you go to our room, you’ll be easily distinguished which side is mine and which is hers. However, hm, don’t say this to her but I secretly put green things around without her notice. That’s what I mean by green room freshener, bathroom freshener and green floor cleaner.

After so long living alone, being double is not always easy. I bet she felt the same way too since she’s the only child in her family. One big issue is tidiness. I always thank God for keeping the same standard of cleaning habit in us. Well, actually I’m some numbers lower than her. In this case, I thank God a lot for having roommate with such understanding.

Can’t say that I’m an easy person, though. I tend to do whatever I like. Going home very late at night, too lazy to pick up the underwear dried in the bathroom, rarely put my things in its place, often forget my keys, love to sing out loud regardless the quality of my voice, sneezes frequently, stuffed her with the latest update of my life (which are usually either unimportant or something pathetic), crying for lousy reasons and several others activities that I bet not much people can handle. But tell you what? This buddy of mine, she can handle it very well.

She’s just never complain, well I’m not saying that she’s quiet but she’s just not that kind of girl who will fuss about small things. She can act in several characters. If I go home late she’ll acted as my mom and call me. During my hardest day, she’ll be all ears and be my dearly friend. On my stubborn-denial-full ego situation, she’ll be the reminder of my truly feeling. In short, I’m actually a bit freaking if she’s not around, although she’s the one who put all the pillows around her if I didn’t stay at a night.

However, life goes on. This friend of mine will soon going to get married. She looked a bit stressed out about the wedding sometime. But I bet she did enjoy her justifications of buying things for her wedding. This new life of her and her beloved ones means that she’s no longer going to be my roommate. This is one of my reasons to find another place to stay. Aside from my initial plan of want to be real independent, I don’t think that I can handle if she leave me first for the wedding. Therefore, I decided to move out.

Picking roommate is not as easy as picking oranges in the supermarket. This one is way more complicated. I can’t find suitable formula to describe how to find the right roommate, but I do can tell you all that I did have found the right roommate. And the right roommate is indeed filling the loneliness that occurred to a single-far-away-from-home kind of girl. Like me.

Thank you so much, Pies. Hope you find the real happiness with Dj.

each of us is unique

This poetry was made on Kumkum and Ninots wedding day. It was the first catholic wedding that I attend, and it was really a beautiful one.

Each of us is unique
Not better or worse, but just different
And like a series of puzzles
Different pieces will be completed
if its find its match
Unfortunately, unlike puzzles
Its kina harder for us
To find someone that will make us feel completed
It will be a long and challenging journey indeed
There’ll be tears between laughter
There’ll be frowns between grins
But when we’re willing to take the risk
Eager to seek and stay
Tell God that we’re ready to lose one,
if one’s not meant for us
Don’t mind to try and put a smile after cry
Forget the mistakes and appreciate the flaw
Then don’t worry,..
God will aware of our endeavor
And set the one as the piece that will complete us
And guard it til the journey is over

August 23rd, 2003
Dedicated to Ninot and Kumkum
Two of our beloved friends
that successfully has found the right piece
to complete each other
Congrats and have a very joyful journey!